Is Uncreative Monogamy Too Idealistic to be Sustainable for a Lifetime for Most Men or Women?
Dear Reader:
My name is Dr. Pete Lorins. I've meant to write this article over a decade ago, but as always, it requires the right level of motivation, time, determination and inspiration/spirituality. Finally, it's here, with all the right ingredients. Consider it as my gift to you and to myself as well, to be candid.
I hope it will help spice up many relationships of all types out there. Some really should not have failed over the stupid reasons that induced their demise. However, others are analogous to being incarcerated. After all, no jail is worse than feeling trapped in a boring or loveless relationship for financial or societal reasons. What used to look irresistible can become nearly repulsive. Some call it falling out of love, but is it that at all? Did people fail to self-actualize (learn who they truly are or was it even possible early on)? See my approach to the latter after reading this article at www.PeteLorins.com.
Well, it appears to me that the more we stigmatize certain things societally (e.g., cannabis, extramarital affairs), the more human beings will go out of their way to come up with all types of schemes to tap into those very things. It's sort of like telling the kid NOT to touch the cookie jar without intellectualizing it or giving him/her an opportunity to fail or succeed using any type of conditioning or copying mechanisms or even a safe escape plan.
The following video should help drive my point!
My first set of 2 questions are:
Are we setting the majority of men (or women) up for failure modernly?
Should the exclusivity or monogamy terms be re-negotiated as people live together or advance in age (because we are not static beings after all)?
Do most relationships become too rigid, repetitious, predictable, annoying or even boring over time otherwise? And could this be the reason why we've been witnessing so many domestic murder-suicide cases lately?
While it's been proven that both sexes cheat equally, men tend to suffer more consequences when their extramarital affairs or extra relationships are discovered when they agreed to be in an exclusive relationship. No matter how equal women try to be with men, the one area they are not trying to be equal in is THEIR POCKET BOOK. In fact, most women get into relationships with men not because they are the best personality match, but rather because they are loaded financially. Yes, some do because of some other physical attributes, but they can always get those from their secret friends or rather their BFF! (smiling)
The second set two questions are:
Should men agree to exclusivity knowing well that it's rather unlikely to happen in the long run?
Is Male Non-monogamy analogous to female pro-choice?
The third question is:
Do men agree to exclusivity only because most women would not have entered the relationship in today's society knowing that the men proactively intended to have relationships with other women after the honey-moon phase attenuates?
Fourth question:
Would it have been better for couples to agree on the terms of having relationships with others prior to entering a serious relationship? And would the latter have eliminated the idea of cheating because at this point it would happen as per an agreement, just like a pre-nuptial agreement?
Fifth question:
Considering tghat men were not expected to be monogamous or exclusive until about 60 years ago or so and prior to that time men were expected to be providers and protectors while the women were expected to be pure and faithful homemakers, which was the trade-off, then why haven't we revisited our expectations of each other because clearly most modern women no longer treat men like women did 60 years ago?
The reality is that, in today's World of instant gratification, both men and women cheat at a rather rate. Even the people that you don't think are cheating are probably cheating. I know what's actually happening. I know a lot of people and I have also handled a lot of divorce papers over the years.
You've probably heard of the following terms:
OUT WITH THE FELLAS - coping mechanism for most cheating men in exclusive relations (exceptions applied.)
GIRLS NIGHT OUT - coping mechanism for cheating women (exceptions applied.)
In my lifetime, I've been very faithful for years and I've also had extra-marital affairs. I can certainly attest that most people that cheat did not intend to cheat at first. In a nutshell, most people cheat either because their current relationships leave too many gaps open or they simply have too many overwhelming unfulfilled desires either physically or emotionally or both.
Some of the most t amazing men that we know of have cheated:
RICHARD "DICK" PARSONS
My idol who took time to email me as young pup. Truly a genius and an amazing African American who had the highest score on the New York Bar exam in 1972 and was highly respected and sponsored by the Rockefellers and went on to become CEO or AOL-Time-Warner and Dime Bank. Moreover, he was a top negotiator and peacemaker who was called by government and private entities alike to quiet feuds of all types. Yet he cheated on his White wife with a lovely Black lady, witch whom he fathered a child in his 60's.
BILL GATES...
Many other famous men like Bill Gates (the first man who helped me realize who special passion and visions are), Jess Besos, Michael Jordan and others are known to have cheated, and many were so scrutinized to the max and many lost 50% or more of their fortunes as a result.
Expecting most men not to cheat is like hoping that a ticking time bomb will not explode. It is rather wishful thinking. The same applies to women, but I am writing this form a male perspective because, historically, women were not expected to cheat at the same rate that men do as they were seen as reservoirs of decency, homemakers, pure and peaceful. However, modernly, women have been trying to emulate as man male behaviors as possible and that includes promiscuity in relationships. It's arguable that a lot of women have become even more promiscuous than men. Many women use men to go out on fancy dates with no expectations of being in relationships, while others use men for their money while pretending to be exclusive all while getting money from different men. It's happening out there, folks. Trust me, it is! And far too many women that give the appearance of modesty are also doing the same covertly.
Thus, I just want to bring this matter to light, but I don't want to make a MALE-ONLY-THING, because God knows women are doing the same.
However, modernly, many women expect to be equal to men in all categories yet still expect men to be the provider.
And my question is:
WHAT'S IN IT FOR THE MEN?
In the days of our forefathers, women were pure and reserved and they helped keep decency in our homes. The idea that a woman was cheating or seen as a "bit*h" was so frown upon that many women would have subject themselves to suicide if there was proof of their extramarital affairs. However, modernly, women brag on television about cheating on national TV right in front of their husbands (e.g., Jada Smith.)
OTHER QUESTIONS:
Do we need to have a MODERN EXPECTATIONS MANAGEMENT based approach to all relationships that is based on TRUTH rather than IDEALISM, which clearly has destroyed even the best of our relationships?
Is Monogamy unnatural or unrealistic?
Are people confused about love?
Is it ok to spice up with relationship in however way possible?
Should people have more realistic attitudes about sexual exclusivity?
Would we have happier life if we are more truthful to each other about our views of monogamy?
In many cultures or religions there are many schemes to manage expectations and relations thrive accordingly. People live their lives, synchronize and stabilize life's occurrences and pursue happiness together.
I will do a show on this in the near future, but I wanted to get some feedback on this first.
PLEASE - feel free to be VERY LIBERAL about your true views on this topic. I really hope it will help couples out there think about things that they normally don't think about to spice up their relationships or think outside the box. RIGIDITY is boring. Couples should learn to grown together by NEGOTIATING through everything in GOOD FAITH and IN TRUTH. Personally, I know that I could have remained married if I was thinking about such things even at an early age.
IN A RUSH!
ANY THOUGHTS?
Feel Free to share them on this blog or wherever I post this article.
If you'd prefer to share your thought privately. Feel free to email me at: info@PracticesRecue.com
This article was edited by Dr. Pete Lorins
Enjoy!
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